If hell is real, it’s almost definitely a concall

At lunch today I was sneakily listening in on the man next to me and making notes to help with writing realistic dialogue (as you do), when I realised that he was taking part in possibly the most pointless – and therefore completely typical – business concall.Β I listened on with equal amounts of pity, horror and amusement.

I share the transcript here, not because I am smug with the knowledge that I will never have to take part in one of these again, but because I know I won’t be the only one that has had almost exactly the same call at some point in their career. At the first step is admitting there’s a problem…

Aiden*

[pause]

I –

Yes, I –

I’m here too guys.

Yes it was great thanks, got really lucky with the weather. Managed to get the garden sorted ready for the summer. If we actually get one, eh? The weather today isn’t so good though. Sure the rain will be with us just in time for the weekend.

Hi Jack*. Yes, it was great thanks, I was just saying we got really lucky with the weather so I managed to get some gardening in. Hahaha. If we ever have one, right?

[pause]

*scrambles to turn mute off and spills water*

Hahaha

*desperately waves at waiter for a cloth*

[pause]

Think we’re just waiting on Paula*. No, I’m sure that will be fine. Ready when you are.

[pause]

[long pause]

*sketches stick men playing footballΒ 

[pause]

*plays with phone*

*orders pint*

*connects headphone to drink pint and sketch football playing stick men simultaneously*

*accidentally takes phone off mute*

No, nothing. No, sorry. Accidentally took you off mute there.

*presses mute button again – hard*

I –

No –

I think –

I –

No, after you Dan.

*rolls eyes*

Yes, that’s what I was going to say. Thanks Dan.

[pause]

Oh, think he’s had enough. Hahaha. Have we lost him? Yeah, we’ve lost him. Yes, yes, carry on.

[pause]

He’s back. Hi, Dan. No worries. Lee*, do you just want to go over that again for Dan?

[pause]

Oh, hi Paula, we’d given up on you.

[pause]

Hahaha. No prob-

*does not smile*

Yeah, it was great thanks, we got really lucky with the weather. Just spent it in the garden really.

No, it’s not great here either today.

Yes, just in time for the weekend I expect.

[pause]

Only question I have is –

*raises voice*

Sorry, Dan. The only question I have is when will we be able to see that report?

*winces*

Have you?

Ah, well if you sent it just before the call I doubt anyone has had the time to read it yet, have they?

No?

Right, perhaps we should go away and read through and then reschedule then

[pause]

My diary’s up to date so just take a look at that.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, bye.

*slumps in chair*

*names have been changed to maintain anonymity!

Photography by gratistography.com

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