It appears that we have a new period of weather in Britain – June Showers. This is in addition to April Showers, all of Winter and most of Autumn. Yes, it’s raining. Again. Heavily. And I don’t like it.
The problem isn’t that it’s raining exactly, although I wouldn’t be British if I didn’t have something negative to say about the current weather. No, what gets me is how and why we are all so unprepared and unsuited for it.
According to the UK Met Office, it rains 156.2 days a year in Britain. That means that a 25 year old has lived through 3905 days of rain and that by the time you’re 55, you’ll have survived a whopping 8591 soggy days. So, why is it that Brits are unable to safely operate an umbrella? Why do we suddenly become completely spatially unaware?
However, I realised – on dodging brolly impalement for the third time yesterday – that my scowls and sarcastic “No need to apologise, really” mutterings weren’t really making me feel any better so instead, I tried to focus on all the good things about rainy days.
Here’s the list I came up with, feel free to use and add to it to help you through upcoming downpours:
Become a social pariah The rain makes it completely socially acceptable not to leave the house. There’s no need to go to the pub crawl for your best mate’s boyfriend’s 30th / the girl from work’s hen do / dinner with the in-laws / the gym
Indulge in a duvet day Instead, you can curl up snug in your pyjamas, hot chocolate in hand watching box sets. Bonus: neither make up or a bra is required but popcorn is.
Get it off your chest You are provided with an entirely legitimate reason to have a good old moan. To everyone. Immediately upon meeting them. That’s right, there’s no need to struggle through small talk when it’s raining; I’m not usually a fan but you just try and hold me back from polite nattering when it’s drizzling.
At least you won’t need to water the garden This one’s for all the Dads out there. If spoken aloud, remember to accompany it with a vague reminiscence of the heatwave of ’76 – they don’t make them like that anymore
Claiming superiority If you walk to work and have remembered your brolly, you can smugly watch all the goons that forgot theirs arrive for work with frizzy hair and trousers sticking to their legs. Do your best to wind them up in any morning meetings as they’ll be stuck in the building if it’s still raining come lunch time and there is nothing like Julie in Accounts getting a bit of cabin fever to brighten up the day
Waterlogged walkers If you drive to work, you can spend your commute drenching pedestrians by driving through roadside puddles. Points system should be based on how high up the body the water reaches
Jumping in puddles Get your wellies on and act like a five year old again, it’s totally worth it and there’s no way you won’t be smiling, not matter how damp you get (remember those green frog wellies you used to have as a kid? Well, I still have a pair – see photo. Yup, those bad boys belong to this 31 year old)
See, it’s not all bad news is it? *Sips on hot chocolate piled high with whipped cream* Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think the popcorn’s done. Well, I’m not going out in this, am I? At least I won’t have to water the garden, I suppose…